April 2004

31w5d
Baby, I am seriously starting to get scared that you are just huge. Because I am huge. And I have never gotten so many comments from strangers before. Ever. Quite rude ones too. Yes I am big, but come on people, let's have some tact.

And it's getting to me, really starting to affect my confidence level in my ability to birth you. Part of me just wants to sign up for the c-section today. No worries, right? Ha. It's a no win situation.

You just don't move around that much. It worries me on some level, but then you will move and I will forget I was worried. I'll mention it to the OB on Tuesday though. That and the increasingly constant level of pain I am in, to the level that I can not walk without wincing or even moaning at times. It feels like a knife is twisting my pelvis and that every muscle in my thighs and butt has been pulled. Sitting on the birth ball helps, the belly belt is helping I guess, but lying down in a yoga pose is really the best. Unfortunately I can't stay like that all day!

Still no name for you. I am seriously freaking out.

32w1d
I really didn't think I could do it, but I did. I walked my butt, or more realistically, my belly off in NYC this week. From Times Square, to the Central Park Zoo to Bloomingdales and back again. From 48th to 70th, from 8th Avenue to Madison. And I felt great. Yes it was slow going, yes, my ankles were a bit swollen, but my pelvis did not feel like it had to split in two the entire time. Such an improvement. Maybe it is a sign that I need to get off my lazy butt. Or the baby has moved into a more favorable position. We'll see.

I had a rough time at my OB appointment earlier this week. You are fine and I am fine - belly was measuring 32 weeks which was perfect, your heartbeat was in the 140s, my BP was something like 112/70, so all was well. Except it looks like it will be an OB birth, not a midwife birth. And I seriously think I need the extra hand holding. What I really need is a crystal ball that will tell me that my uterus will not rupture, you and I will be fine, and your shoulders will not get stuck when you are being born. Not too much to worry about right? Not at all. It is a wonder I sleep at all these days. I'm thinking doula. I'm just so freaked about the whole thing. Ugh, shouldn't this be an easy and natural thing?

Oh and the name thing, just laughable. Just hopeless.

32w5d
Doing better on the name front so I am feeling better there. But still a bit stressed.

I absolutely loved being pregnant with Alec. I have enjoyed this pregnancy as well but it hasn't been the same, easier in some ways and worse in others. With Alec I was never ready for the pregnancy to end. Now I am ready to have my body back. To actually be able to put socks on without excruciating pain and acrobatics. And I am really looking forward to holding this baby, meeting him, looking into his eyes for the first time. However, I am in no hurry to actually birth him so it is a mixed bag right now. The birth thing is still freaking me out, so worried about uterine rupture, stuck shoulders, hurting the baby, hurting myself. I'm worried about Alec. I don't know, I guess I'm babbling a bit but so much on my mind I just want to scream sometimes. Why can't it be easy.

I keep telling myself to enjoy this pregnancy more because it really could be the last one. A fact which makes me sad just thinking about it. Some days I feel like I have been pregnant forever, other times like it is impossible the baby is coming in a mere 6 weeks. Ack!

I need to call the doula tomorrow. And my insurance. This is becoming so much more real.

34w0d
Well, my pelvis continues to feel good, no more chronic never ending pain. Still a bit sore after getting up from sitting, but nothing like before. I am so happy. So now I am having "hot spot" issues again. Baby is just wedged in my upper right side. Sort of feels like a butt, but the kicks don;t correspond with that. Maybe they do, so hard to tell. I think his back is against my right side and feet are up and to the left just a bit. Hand action low center. But it burns!! At least this hot spot is much lower than with Alec, he was up so high in my ribs and chest I had breathing problems. The pain is pretty bad though, I worry about going into labor already in such pain, how on earth will I deal?

My doula quest is ongoing. I was very bummed that one I just really loved was not free. Am planning to meet with one who came recommended by her sometime soon. I do know she is at least free in my time period which is something at this point! Danielle, my birth instructor, gave me the name of another doula who herself had a c-section and a VBAC so I am thinking she may be a good choice having been there herself.

I am an emotional disaster. I tried so hard yesterday to get some good belly shots at Sears to avoid paying outrageous private photographer fees. Though you get what you pay for right? Sigh. I was in tears by the end and Alec was just not cooperating. And when he did cooperate the woman snapped at the wrong moment. And then she DELETED one of the few that was passable. I just wanted to scream. And poor Mike I really think I cried on and off for hours that night. It was just so important to me to get a sweet, tender, mama/belly w/ son shot. And I didn't get it. Michael suggested we just go back. That sounds like absolute hell to me. Have to dress up again, get Alec ready again and then deal with the photo shoot itself. Ugh. Sounds horrid. But I want my picture!!!! I am such a baby.

But Michael did a lot around the house this morning, because of course any emotional outburst by me eventually turns into "our house is a mess, how can we bring the baby into this house, etc...." So he set up the crib and rocker in our room and it looks so sweet. I still feel bad this baby won;t have a nursery until we move this summer, but it still looks pretty sweet in it's own corner nursery in our room. So weird to see the crib mattress on the highest level, it was so low for toddler Alec. When Alec saw the crib all set up he asked to sleep in it. Silly guy.

Danielle and Anat are coming over tomorrow night to watch birthing movies as an extension of our birthing class. I love to hang out with them so am looking forward to it, but the more birthing videos I see the more I doubt I can actually do THAT. I'm really starting to freak out about the actual birth this time. I need to stop thinking this way b.c I know so much of it will be mind over matter for me, if I let myself become doubtful, I will fail. So I need to know I can do this.

And I am not lacking in support, that I know and that really does help. My friends are so supportive, both of the VBAC and just this pregnancy in general. And they all keep insisting that they watch Alec so I can rest or get stuff done, which I find just so sweet. I couldn't ask for a better support system here and am so glad this baby is being born here. So with these friends, a great birth instructor, a wonderful husband, and perhaps a doula I can do this. I can. Right?

35w0d
Had another rough doctor's appointment on Monday. So frustrating and it just makes me so sad and angry at the same time. The doctor literally was in and out in 5 minutes - and I was still asking questions as he was walking out the door. I really wish I could pick which doctor would be at the birth. I miss the midwives :( I need a heart to heart and some hand holding right about now. But I feel they mislead me too on the possibility that they would attend my VBAC. Ugh.

I have been in extreme pain the last few days. Hot spot on the upper right side, the baby is really just wedged in tight there. Combined with serious lower back pain, I am on the verge of tears most evenings and just have to lie down in bed. Does not help my mental state when there is so much house crap to do before the baby comes! Baby's butt seems to be at the top right, body diagonal across the belly, and the head at my left hip. Not perfect positioning, but at least anterior. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks.

My blood pressure was 108/80 (or something like that) and I was up about 35 lbs according to the docs. According to my known pre-preg weight it is actually closer to 43 lbs - I am freaking out. The numbers that scale hit were really really high. Higher than they ever got with Alec. I am scared of the size of this baby! The belly measured right about 35-36 weeks so that is good - no idea how this works - my belly is huge, how does my belly and a tiny preggo belly both at 35 weeks still measure the same? Interesting.

I'm nervous about the birth. Most of my questions went unanswered at the appointment, so I still have a lot of unknown - relating to EFM, GBS, etc. So we'll see. We have our hospital tour tonight so hopefully I can get some hospital policy stuff cleared up.

I did find a doula. I feel very comfortable with her and she has had a c-section and a VBAC herself so that is good too. I think Michael and I will both appreciate the extra support and consistency as well. Especially if I have to have constant EFM, I will need positioning help if I am to avoid the epidural.

I'm seriously ready to meet you baby! I loved, loved, loved my first pregnancy and was sad when I went into labor and the pregnancy was over. This pregnancy has been much harder, much more painful and I feel bad about that. Because, really, how often are you pregnant in your life? I feel like I should be enjoying every minute and I just can't. But I am looking so much more forward to meeting this little guy, because this time I know a lot of the wonder is actually the miracle of the baby himself. Can't wait to meet you little one - I think we'll get along better once you are on the outside of me :)

You really haven't been moving much though which totally freaks me out. You are still meeting the OB criteria (10 movements in 4 hours) but just barely. I am so obsessed something is wrong. I've brought it up at the last two appointments but since you do meet the criteria no worries. I hope not. Please be healthy little one! Though you have been kicking a lot more today though, probably trying to ease my worried mind!